Monday, October 28, 2013


Good evening, I'm Barack Obama, your President, my President, and the President of this Great Nation of Ours. As a nation we have been faced with significant challenges: naysayers saying 'nay', spiraling Federal deficits, an uncooperative Congress, the less than ideal response to the 'Arab Spring' from our friends among the radical Islamacists, citizens concerns about drone strikes and illegal wiretaps, Germany complaining about our legitimate interests in what kind of pizza Chancellor Merkel orders over the telephone, veterans being given private tours of Washington DC jails when they wanted to visit War Memorials, and a whole host of other issues that are above my pay grade.

I assure you we are working diligently with our friends in the media to give you good folks other thing to think about.  As a nation, you should not be concerned with these trifling matters, but rather should be enjoying this season of football ("Go Bears!"), festivities, and the changing colors of leaves in this Great Nation of Ours.

Unfortunately, this season also brings with it a constant problem of inequality. A problem in need of critical reform. A problem which manifests the great divide in the American Spirit. A divide between our spirit of generosity and our pioneering spirit that built America. And there is perhaps perhaps no greater occasion for understanding the political division in the United States than our revered national tradition of Halloween. Both Republican and even my friends in the Democratic party have used this fest to score rhetorical political points against the opponents. For instance:

As your President, as my President, as this Great Nation's President, I, Barack Obama am seriously concerned about this entirely unnecessary cause for petty partisan politics that ultimately harm only the children in this great nation of ours. Think of the children.

I have therefore called upon Congress for a bipartisan effort to help. I have reached across the aisle, and they have responded. Even the Republicans, who would destroy the economy rather than fund Obamacare, have responded. My administrations is also working in concert with the representatives of the Candy Makers of America, the National Confectioners Association, the Affiliated Unions of Sweets and Confection Workers International, and the High Fructose Corn Syrup Manufacturers Promotional Task Force to address this pressing concern.

So I am pleased to announce that we are rolling out ObamaCandy, the Affordable Candy Act, to ensure that all citizens -- and 'citizens' is not a word that describes our nationality or our legal status, but rather what we buy -- have access both to give and receive the yearly confections which so expresses the abundance of this Great Nation.

Working together we can insure that all of our children have access to this precious resource, and all peoples, regardless of color, race, creed, orientation, ability, economic status, or gender identity can participate in this event.

People like Delores Sack, of Fort Lee, New Jersey, who is a Jehovah's Witness and doesn't buy or distribute Halloween candy for religious reasons.  Now she too will be able to contribute and take advantage of this government program like all other dutiful citizens.

Or people like Dr. Bill Anders of Conyers, Georgia, who is a dentist and a diabetic. We need to help folks like Dr. Anders, who regularly give out toothbrushes and floss at Halloween in the name of dental hygiene. Our nation cannot have people setting their own standards for what constitutes adequate confectionery disbursements, especially to the detriment of the delight of the children. Think of the children.

And let me remind you that the Affordable Candy Act is not just a Federal program. It is a website. CANDY.HALLOWEEN.GOV.

My lovely and talented wife, Michelle, is working with Lorraine Hershey Bosco, a close friend she met on a ski lift at Buttermilk in Aspen, Colorado, who has professional expertise in website design and as a former lobbyist for Candy Makers of America, to put together the whole package. We have appointed Ms. Bosco as the Candy Czar. Ms. Bosco has produced a white paper for the Administration showing the advantages of moderate to high, annual limited binging on high fructose corn syrup when combined with a yearly exercise regimen.  Michelle instantly recognized the compatibility of this approach with her own "LET'S MOVE" campaign to reduce childhood obesity.

I consider this to be a new centerpiece in my administration, to help spur economic growth in the $30 billion confectionery industry in America, which represents 70,000 jobs in more than 1,000 faculties across the country. We also have a wonderful offshore partner in CONFITEXPO and our own Chicago grown Retail Confectioners International to support this roll out, and have pledged the full support of the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control, the Federal Trade Commission, the Internal Revenue Service, the Environmental Protection Agency, the President's Council of Physical Fitness, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives, and Tasty Chocolate Goodies to ensure the successful implementation.

Among the hallmarks of my program, your children will be able to get any candy you want, provided it includes a box of candy corn, one set of wax vampire teeth, and some of those orange and black wrapped "Mary Janes".  Another part of the Affordable Candy Act is that it will work in concert with the already wildly successful Affordable Care Act both to create mechanism for mandatory blood sugar level monitoring in your children, and to add publicly funded dental care to the legislation, both by executive order. The best part of this signature legislation is that if it doesn't work as promised,  we can still move to a "single confectioner" system of candy manufacturing and distribution, not just at Halloween, but through out the year.

You are encourage to visit, and required under penalty of law to register for this program, at CANDY.HALLOWEEN.GOV.   Don't worry, and don't be frustrated if it is slow or hard to navigate or prone to crash.  These are only signs of its wild success and popularity. Nobody is madder than me about the fact that website isn't working as well as it should, which means it's going to get fixed. (Laughter and applause.)

And in the meantime, you can bypass the website and apply by phone or in person. So don't let problems with the website deter you from signing up, signing up your children, or showing your friends how to sign up, because it is worth it. It will save you money and make sure you can participate in this vital tradition of giving.We fully expect this Halloween program for 2013 to be online and operationally implemented by 2nd Quarter, 2014. If not, nobody will be madder than me.

As I have said so many times, and in so many ways, and on so many occasions, "Do it for the children."

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

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